Yesterday someone said to me, "Well, you're the expert on you." And my response was, "No I'm not. I don't know anything about this new me." Just six months ago I lost someone so dear to my heart. We were an incredible team; partners in crime!
I found him the morning after he passed. I miss him every hour of every day. His death has rocked me to my very core. I find myself wrestling with so many questions; so much uncertainty, but in the midst of it all, find glimmers of hope for what is coming. It got me thinking. I can and should become the expert on the new me. The new me, the future me is being formed as we speak and I want a say in what she looks like.
So, I got the idea to write or make a collage, just some way of depicting the me before and then do the same for the current me. Then think about which pieces of each I'd like to keep for the future me. For example, I'd like to regain the passion I had before and keep the humility I have now. I'd like to leave the tight grasp I had on life before behind and get rid of the depression I have now.
This has provided me hope in thinking about how being a suicide survivor will shape me. I'm not sure how much control we have, or even want, in shaping the new version of ourselves, but it's empowering for me to consider my role in this healing process.
Although I feel far from who I want to be, when it’s all said and done, I like dreaming of her. Who knows when I'll get there or if she'll look anything like what I envisioned? That's not the point. The point is hope and healing - accepting the old me is gone and there's a different me coming.
This post first appeared on the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors forum. Reprinted with the permission of the author. Visit our moderated community of support to those who have experienced the tragic loss of a loved one to suicide.