"One of the things we learned while developing and offering the services of KSF is that helping others is gratifying in itself. The need is great. The help is needed. We do what we can."
by Tom Smith
It was on January 13, 2003 that our daughter, Karla, found a
hidden .22 caliber rifle and shot herself with what the coroner called a
“perforating gunshot wound to the chest.”
She was 26, charming, beautiful, intelligent, creative, three classes
away from her BA in English literature with a bright future ahead. And she was dead.
Sometimes, that’s what bipolar disorder does. Like cancer, bipolar disorder can be fatal.
I was shocked, but not surprised, when a Shiloh, IL police
officer knocked on our door and told us that “Karla Smith has died.” That’s all he knew, but I knew immediately
that, on that fateful, dreary Monday in January, she died by suicide in
Tulsa. The previous Friday she was
released (against our wishes) from a Behavioral Treatment center in Tulsa where
she had spent 10 days recovering from a severe episode of depression.
She needed more time in treatment but for reasons we still
don’t know, they released her. There are
many regrets that accompany a suicide.
My biggest regret is not flying to Tulsa that weekend to be with her as
she began her aggressive outpatient program.
She sounded “ok” on the phone, so I didn’t go.
Could I have prevented her death if I had gone? I don’t know but I wish I had tried.
But that sense of regret is just one of the overwhelming
emotions that often shadow the suicide of a loved one. It took time and difficult grief work to cope
with all those new and intense feelings but we have learned that it is possible
to get through those uniquely painful times and live a happy, healthy life
again.
One of the things that helped me, my wife, Fran and our son,
Kevin (Karla’s twin) cope with her death was born the night of her wake. There were hundreds of people from many parts
of the country who attended the wake and they all knew how she died because we
wrote the obituary in a way that indicated she died by suicide. Halfway through the long reception line, the
three of us commented how many people said that their
mother/brother/cousin/uncle either had a mental illness or who died by
suicide. We knew then that we had to do
something to help others who had experiences similar to ours.
It took us two years to decide what we would do, receive our
non-profit status and begin to launch our services. We formed the Karla Smith Foundation (KSF) (www.KarlaSmithFoundation.org)
with the mission to provide hope for a balanced life to the family and friends
of anyone with a mental illness or who lost a loved one to suicide. We
implement our mission through education, support and advocacy. We offer support groups, conferences,
workshops, presentations, resources, website, and one on one coaching.
In 2005, our first support group had 2 people. We now have 5 full time or part time staff
members. We sponsor 11 groups in 3
states, with more planned in the next few months. We offer peer to peer, mentoring
opportunities, family connect activities, a program for veterans with PTSD,
programs that focus on the parents of children and adolescents with mental
health issues, and college campus based groups.
We are soon to launch a program aimed at middle school and high school
students, administrators and parents.
In order to specify our mission and philosophy, as well as
to educate and encourage family and friends of anyone with a mental health
problem or who lost a loved one to suicide, we wrote three books. The
Tattered Tapestry: A Family’s Search for Peace with Bipolar Disorder tells
the Smith family story of Karla’s illness and death. A
Balanced Life: Nine Strategies for Coping with the Mental Health Problems of a
Loved One offers practical help for families trying to deal with the mental
illness of a member. The Unique Grief of Suicide: Questions and
Hope provides hope for people grieving a suicide.
These three books, and the other materials and programs KSF
provides, illustrate the practical approach, compassion, and resources we have
so far created to support other families and friends who experience the mental
illness and/or suicide of a loved one.
One of the things we learned while developing and offering
the services of KSF is that helping others is gratifying in itself. The need is great. The help is needed. We do what we can. Want to join us?
Tom Smith retired as Director of Pastoral Services for the
Diocese of Belleville and is a co-founder and President of the Karla Smith
Foundation (www.KarlaSmithFoundation.org)
whose mission is to provide hope for a balanced life for the family and friends
of anyone with a mental illness or who lost a loved one to suicide. He joins his family and staff in offering
support, education, and awareness programs which implement this mission.
He is also the author of seven books, the most recent of
which is The Unique Grief of Suicide:
Questions and Hope, multiple magazine articles, and a variety of columns.
He enjoys sports, especially those teams that have St. Louis in their names,
and his two young grandsons.
He can be reached at tom.smith@KarlaSmithFoundation.org.