As I sit here mentally preparing for work....or trying to, I find that there are so many things going through my mind....and the questions continue...and fragmented thoughts lacking focus or purpose swirl about with seemingly random abandon.
It is so very difficult to see beyond his suicide. It feels impossible right now. It is almost as though my thoughts and perceptions have been hijacked by this tragic event - it dominates my every thought - my every moment - my every interaction.
I spoke with a very wise, compassionate, knowledgeable, and caring survivor yesterday. Someone who has walked many emotional miles and endured many hard fought years of learning and reaching out on this journey - and has embraced her healing. She is my hero and models someone I so aspire to. It was.... profound.
Through our conversation I was able to imagine and to hear of glimpses of a life no longer held captive solely by the specter of suicide. There was no forgetting, there was no "getting over it"...but I gained a sense that forgiveness, purpose, peace, hope, love, and empowerment are all possible - and that the joy I so miss can be had.
PTSD - the thief of my peace, the robber of my inner tranquility, the blinder of my perspective, the chain that binds me to my present state of chaos. Through this most comforting of conversations I have come to see that this phenomenon is something many, many of us survivors share. Its effects leave us feeling constantly helpless, hopeless, traumatized, and victimized - perpetually trapped in a whirlpool of despair.