Suicide from the Other Side of the Table

By Debra Stang

The year 2001 was the worst year of my life. In January, one of my closest friends was admitted to the hospital with a "mild" case of pneumonia. It developed into acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). The day before my birthday, she died while I held her hand.

Shock and grief sent the depression I'd battled all my life spiraling out of control. The medication I'd taken for years no longer seemed to help. The simple act of breathing was physically painful. I wanted the hurt to stop. More than anything, I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Almost without realizing it, I drifted into planning how I could make that happen.

Why am I telling you this? Because if you're like most survivors, including me, you've spent a lot of time agonizing about what you could have said or done to keep your loved one alive.

I've been where our loved ones stood. I know the tunnel-vision lure of the suicide trance. And I also know that there was nothing anyone could have done to get through to me at that point. Absolutely nothing.

I knew that my family and friends loved me and worried about me. Somehow, my mind twisted their concern, distorting it into the conviction that I was making them miserable and they'd all be better off after I was gone.

Were they perfect? No, of course not. They were human.

Did they sometimes say the wrong things in their desperation to break through to me? God, yes.

But not one of them said--or could have said--anything wrong enough to push me into suicide nor anything right enough to pull me back from the brink.

I could barely register their words, anyway. All I could focus on was my own all-consuming anguish.

The only reason I survived my suicide trance was sheer dumb luck. While I was making my plans, I had scoped out a pawn shop that sold handguns and wasn't too fussy about paperwork or mandatory waiting periods. The night I was ready to act, I took $300 in cash out of my bank account and drove over to the pawn shop...only to find that it had gone out of business.

My tunnel vision was so narrow at that point that it didn't occur to me that I could go to another pawn shop, and I was too mentally and physically exhausted to think of a different plan. I sat numbly in my car in the parking lot until daybreak. Then I slowly drove to my doctor's office.

By the end of the year, I'd acquired a psychiatrist, a new diagnosis--bipolar disorder--and a new treatment regimen that slowly began to disperse that dark cloud of despair that had shrouded me for so many months.

Looking back on that time in my life now is a little like trying to remember a nightmare in the warm safety of daylight. One thing I can't forget, however, is the dull resignation of being trapped in a prison of depression with walls so thick that not even love could penetrate them.

If you're still struggling with guilt over your loved one's suicide, please make today the day that absorb the knowledge, in your mind and in your heart, that you are not to blame. You didn't cause it. You couldn't have stopped it.

Fairy tales and Hollywood tells us that love is enough to overcome anything. I used to believe that. I don't anymore. Sometimes the bad things are stronger than love. Sometimes the bad things win. As the song, "I Dreamed a Dream" in Les Miserables says so eloquently, "...there are dreams that cannot be / and there are storms we cannot weather."

It's sad, horribly, tragically sad when depression or another mental illness steals a life. But it's not your fault.

Debra Stang is a clinical social worker and freelance writer. Her book, HOSPICE TAILS, was published in June of last year.  

Comments

[olivia necchi]

maneuvering through difficult times is alot like driving through a dense fog. you cant always see where you going, you feel a little lost, you want to turn back, and ever mile feels like forever, yet scared or fatigued as I might be there's nothing I can do about my husband taking his life, he died. my family has been dealing with his lost for 16 years and every day I breathe, focus on my son that is on SSI because he can't deal with his dad death. So please think twice when you type other people can cause people to take there own lives.we died each day. they died once.

[meghan]

Wonderful writing Debra. Thank you for sharing.

[meghan]

Kristy, I would like to suggest to you that you research suicide and maybe a few books that describe the suicide 'trance'. I would also like to remind you that you are posting on a site specifically for survivors of suicide, many whom are experiencing significant guilt and trauma from the death of their loved one. Perhaps you have a personal experience that you are feeling responsible for that needs to be resolved? Either way, I believe that your comment is disrespectful and potentially harmful to others who are working through their grief. I am sure that there are more appropriate places to share your insight.

[Livia]

Debra, thanks for sharing. Part of my issue with depression is my desire to not seek help. I get locked into my own misery - and if fear this is probably pretty dangerous. Much the same way, I felt the telltale signs of "Feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness" (telltale sign: http://www.brookhavenhospital.com/depression-treatment/). For me, the fact that waking up from what little sleep I could get was actually painful. Luckily there was that voice (and other writers like you) that helped me not feel alone, or, more importantly, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Take care and thanks!

[Karin]

Other people say and do the darndest and at times most hurtful things. That is reality. Depression cannot be put in a box it is too big,it just won't fit, there are varying degrees and I don't believe as a society we understand it very well. I think we get understanding from the experiences shared here and I feel honored to know Debra's story. The act of suicide is an act made alone. No one else should claim responsibility for the act.

[Kristy]

Im sure this feeling was horrible but I still feel that people who are depressed can be forced or pushed into suicide by other peoples actions.