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12/05/2015

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Susan Torella

I have read your blog 3 times now. Each time I read it, I see and feel more and more of the words. I lost my husband 9 months ago and feel just as raw and lost as I did the night he hung himself. Yes, I have done what I had to do to survive but it is an empty and lonely life. My heart is broken and now my body is beginning to break. I am taking care of my head as you put it and my body, but I still cry every day and feel so betrayed by him and lost. I am being courageous and going on. Why did he not do the same? We had minuscule problems in the scheme of life. We had so much to be grateful for and if he had just sat down with me as I had asked for so many times and just talked, all could have been worked out. To me, our relationship was a rock, a plane as you say with no mechanical problems and a great crew to fly it. Nothing insurmountable. Words of love spoken daily to each other. I shake my head every day and ask what did you do? Why did you choose this over yourself, me and us? But your article is now where I WANT TO BE!!! in my mind. I am so tired and so sad and yes hopeless. I cannot see a way for myself without him in my life - BY HIS CHOICE!!! That is what hurts my soul the most. But I need and want to see hope. I have made the decision but doing it is only happening in short bursts. So I keep taking the short bursts in stride. I know it is because of the guilt and fault issues you mention. Those are very hard for me for some reason I have yet to understand.

Thank you for your kindness in sharing your thoughts. I wanted you to know they have reached a needy spirit and have helped me. I printed out your blog and have it on my desk. I know I will need to read it daily for a while as this place of leaving the wreckage completely is not within my grasp yet.

I send my love to you. I am sorry you had to experience a loss like this.

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