As people experience the loss of a loved one from suicide there are a few basic questions that survivors are challenged to address as they traverse the grief journey. The first question is what can be learned from this tragic event, if anything? The second question is how can the survivors become better persons as a result of losing a loved one from suicide?
In the immediate aftermath of the suicide, survivors are just trying to get through each day and respond to the daily tasks of surviving this tremendous loss. Survivors have to grapple with the enormity of the act. This loved one is gone forever, it is final and there is no turning back the clock. The idea of learning something from the loss comes at a later point in the grief process. It might take months or years. As with any event in life, there are always things to be learned. For example, one possible lesson survivors of suicide learn is to be more sensitive and caring to people in the world around them. Another is expanding their knowledge about suicide and realizing how common an occurrence it is.
This first question can help survivors get off the dime in the journey. By learning from the tragedy, survivors are engaging in something that is called “emotional granularity;” a process where survivors reach beyond just feeling lousy, sad, or depressed and become immersed in an activity that can have a positive outcome.
“Emotional granularity” results in a change in the brain that can have a positive effect. Instead of becoming immobile and paralyzed, the survivor may engage in a constructive activity that can be beneficial not only to themselves, but to others as well. Some survivors have set up foundations and other organizations to have a greater impact, creating awareness and support in the community and beyond. The resulting effect never would have come about unless this loved one had taken their life – the loved one did not die in vain. Channeling emotional distress constructively is “emotional granularity” in action.
The second question relates to becoming a better person. None of us is perfect. We all have feet of clay and we make mistakes in dealing with family and friends. Very often survivors are consumed with guilt. Sometimes survivors blame themselves for causing the death of this loved one. Rarely, if ever, is this the case. Survivors closely examine their words or actions immediately prior to the suicide to see if there was anything that might have caused this loved one to end their life. Survivors scrutinize everything looking for a reason why and to see if there was a misunderstood message that might have prompted the act. Was there a fight, disagreement or harsh words that resulted in this person taking their life? Rarely, if ever, is this the case. The vast majority of suicides occur as a result of some form of mental illness.
In most instances such an illness is rarely thought to be life-threatening. The person who completed suicide might have been confused about their inner feelings. All of us can be challenged to become better people. If there is guilt in the aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide survivors can determine that they are going to be more caring and understanding to family members and friends or co-workers. This a positive result of losing a loved one to suicide. Survivors are going to make a concerted effort to be better in their interactions with the people in their lives. Making a resolution to become more caring and patient to people is a positive result of this tragic event. Self-growth always has a positive effect. To be forced to analyze how survivors come across with other people is a good exercise in personal development and hopefully the results will be positive.
Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, addressed the graduates at the University of California, Berkley. Her husband, Dave, died very suddenly. She told the graduates that “for many months afterward, and at many times since, I was swallowed up in the deep fog of grief – what I think of as the void – an emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even to breathe. Dave’s death changed me in very profound ways. I learned about the depths of sadness and the brutality of loss. But I also learned that when life sucks you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again. I learned that in the face of the void – or in the face of any challenge – you can choose joy and meaning.”
Keep On Keepin’ On,
Fr. Charles Rubey
Rev. Charles T. Rubey is the Founder and Director of Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide (LOSS) a non-denominational program offered by Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Chicago. Starting in 1979 with one small group, LOSS has grown to be a leader in the field of suicide grief, offering support groups and counseling for survivors of all ages, in and around metropolitan Chicago. ‘From the Desk of Father Rubey” appears as a monthly column in the LOSS newsletter and is reprinted here with permission. For more information or to request a monthly copy of the LOSS newsletter, please contact LOSS.
Comments