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I lost my husband Oct 11, 2017 due to suicide. Due to extreme back pain that doctors could not fix and pain meds were his only hope, he found out the pain meds stopped working for him. He walked out of the house and went to the lake and died that afternoon with no warning. He was only 54. I am now forever heartbroken. He was the love of my life and truly my best friend. All my joy is gone. I don't know how to love my children and young grandchildren again. Moving forward seems impossible. When I look at pictures I see such happiness between us. I can't get past the point that I will never snuggle, hold hands, hug or kiss my husband again. Daily life is a struggle. I too was once a strong, happy person. Now sadness hovers over my day.

Kelsey Gutierrez

I received a call at 11:30pm on September 19th, 2017 from my brother Kevin's girlfriend. She said, "Kevin is dead". At that very moment I went numb. I noticed my hands were vibrating very intensely as my heart began to beat loudly. The homicide detective came on the phone asking me to go comfort his girlfriend. I was in shock.The only person in my family that I loved the most just shot himself in the head. How could I go comfort her and drive by myself with my two small children to see my dearest brother lying there dead when I couldn't even breathe? Two days later I went to his apartment to witness the thick blood and bullet holes in the bedroom door. The smell of blood was strong but I managed to find his Doctorate diplomas from Yale and a few items of his that I wanted to have. Kevin's would have been 35 years old the following week on October 4th. I have been through divorce, death of a pet from an accident, death of a grandmother, suicide, forced to move cities, loss of businesses, living apart from my current husband and raising my two children alone just in the last 2 years. At times, I have felt better off dead. I remember Kevin telling me that I was strong and I couldn't bear leaving my children with their father knowing that he is heavily addicted to pain medicine, especially since he was in 2 accidents in the last year. I constantly worry for my children when they are with him. I have turned to God to get through this. I have experienced some supernatural things to lead me to believe that God and Jesus do exist. Although, I have turned to God in hopes of saving myself, I feel isolated, alone and extremely depressed. I will not take anti-depressants or seek a therapist but man this is hard. My brother Kevin is the root of my heart and I feel that I failed him. I want to believe that I will see him again in heaven one day if I am blessed enough. I long to see his strikingly handsome face again. What was once felt as a warm cheek to my lips was replaced with a stone cold cheek. My life will never have the complete happiness and joy it once had with Kevin being gone.


Hi. I just passed the 2 yr mark of my husband's death. Thank you for writing this. I resonate with so much that you wrote. I Too used to be bubbly, ambitious, strong, productive. I feel I struggle with the aspects, or parts of me that died that night too. I feel sooooo changed and soooo damaged at times. I too found that i considered myself to have grown so selfish. I am trying to break out of that, thank you for the encouragement. Perhaps we will talk more in forum.


I lost my sister January 7th, and this is one of the first things I have read that make me feel better about my feelings and reactions. I know people are trying to comfort me, but I have been getting so angry when they tell me they "know how I feel." Losing my younger sister nine days after she turned 32 suddenly isn't like someone drifting into althezhimers (sp) in their 70s. I am trying to control my anger because I know they are being kind. I am going to start to use that line: "I hope you never have to really understand what you're talking about."

Thank you.


thank you.


Julia, this is excellent. Would you give me permission to post it on my blog?

I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.

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