by Susan Andersen
This morning I came upon this passage in one of my meditation books called Meditations from the Mat - Daily Reflections on the Path of Yoga by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison. The author's sister died by suicide.
"When my older sister died I fought against the loss for years. Even as I mourned her death I railed against the injustice of it...At long last I came to the breakthrough point - the surrender. She was gone, and if I really loved her, I owed it to her to ensure that her passing would bear spiritual fruit in my life. For that to happen, I would have to let go."
I've been reflecting on this passage thinking "how many years"? And, does the time element matter? In the first year or so after my son died, I counted hours, days, months. Time was on my mind constantly. How long till I die? How long until we are together again?
These days, the time since his death and until we are together again don't consume me as much. Oh, I still think of the months but that's mostly when I am talking about him to others. My son died 30 months ago.
I found another passage in a book by Melody Beattie about having a funeral for dreams that are no longer serving you. Back in early April, a few weeks before the second anniversary of Ian's passing, I decided to let go of my dreams. So, on my way to visit my Mom about two hours from where I live, I stopped at the cemetery where Ian is buried (it's in our old town about one hour from our house).