by Cecilia, Brkn mom
You have been gone for nine months, the same length of time it took for you to grow inside of me.
Strange thing about life, before 1987...... You did not exist.
At least not in my life. And yet, I felt happy.
The minute you were born, you were all that existed. The only thing that mattered. I learned what it really meant to be happy. There is something magical about the bond between a mom and baby. You were a sweet loving empathetic soul from the start, always happy laughing smiling or studying your toys like an engineer, so full of amazement and curiosity.
Since you have gone I have learned a few things...
That there are things worse and more painful than dying.
That nothing in the world is certain.
That there are losses and pain that cannot be described in words, and cannot be understood, unless you experience it.
That the world continues relentlessly, and only pauses for a second to notice your pain.
That it is easier than you would think, to act normal even when you are dying inside. (But you already knew this.)
That guilt and regret and blame are caustic emotions that will eat away at you and at everything in your life, if you do not make your peace with them.
These are the things I've promised I WILL and WILL NOT do: