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No Man is an Island

by Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less….

Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. 

John Donne

This

 month I’m visiting my daughter on the island of Kauai.  Perhaps that is why Donne’s words popped into my head.  I’m in an “island state of mind.” 

I visit Kauai every year or so and thanks to the miracles of technology, usually continue to work while on island.  Earlier today, I spoke with two survivors via Skype.  Each had called to seek support following the recent death of their sibling.  One had lost a brother … the other a sister.  Each was devastated and struggling.  Swept away by anxiety and daunting emotions, each had taken time off following the death and was now a bit concerned about returning to work. 

Anyone who’s ever lost a loved one to suicide, will recognize their plight.  Funerals had taken place.  Friends had gone back to their lives, but grief was still raw.  Pain was severe and realty was sinking in.  Someone dear had died by suicide and as a result, their own lives now seemed unrecognizable.    

New survivors almost always ask:  “What can I do?”  “How does one get through this?”  My ex-husband and I asked the same questions during a visit to our minister the day after my stepson died in 1995.  We desperately searched for something, anything to change the realty and ease the pain.  During our visit, ­­­­­I recall thinking that our minister who’d lost a son three years earlier, should have had something “more helpful” to say. I understand his silence better now.  Sometimes there is little to say other than “I am so sorry.” 

Addressing the Stigma

"Survivors face many challenges, including the attribution of "selfishness" to the deceased by those who lack understanding."

by Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC

A while back, a post on the forum caught my attention.  The gentleman who wrote it was angry at his “uncle by marriage” who had killed himself two days earlier.  In grappling with the death of his uncle, the poster expressed several of the most clichéd and negative assumptions about individuals who end their lives.  Here is his post: 

“Two days ago, my uncle by marriage committed suicide. I wasn't that close to him, but he always treated me with consideration. … He was a 62-year old farmer, a pillar of church and community, and the wife found him hung in the barn. …. No one thought he had any problems. No sign of depression. No note.

 ... I have some mixed feelings. I believe it was his choice to kill himself. Nobody knows how much pain the guy was in, and if that was his solution, then that solution was his to implement. On the other hand, I get the feeling it was like he was saying '**** ***' to one and all. Because of that, I say to him '**** *** right back at ya. You didn't get to me with what you did and any suffering you incur because of it is rightly yours and has no claim on me.'

He had a wife, kids and grandchildren.  I think it was a rotten thing for him to do this … It's like he's put the reputation of his family, heretofore a family the whole community looked up to, into question. In a way, it let the town down to.  He chose this route. -- 'You're dead now fellow.  How's that workin' for you?'"

When I first read the post, it took my breath away.  I was startled by the lack of compassion for the deceased and the belief system that informed the writer.  And I was concerned about the impact the post might have on other members of the forum.  But the poster had invited “other opinions and observations” in his closing paragraph and “wished everyone on the forum well” … so in I headed in with a response. Here is my response:

80,000 Posts Ago …

by Ronnie Walker

As February rolls around, I dream of being somewhere warm.  February in Chicago is not my favorite month.  Days are still short.  It’s too cold to stay outside for very long and sidewalks are often snowy or slippery.  I’ve long thought someone placed Valentine’s Day smack in the middle of the month, just to perk things up.

As we enter February this year, I’m present to something else.  This Valentine’s Day marks the fifth birthday of the Alliance of Hope.  In 2008 I had no idea the Alliance would grow to be a source of support and friendship for so many people from across the world or that I would make so many dear friends on our forum.  The truth is … when I launched our website and forum and made that first post, I didn’t know if anyone would ever answer. 

I asked my husband to join the forum, just after me, so I wouldn't be alone and waited, hoping someone else would join too.  Here is my first post.  It is still on the forum. 

"Hello, My name is Ronnie Walker

by Ronnie Walker » Thu Feb 14, 2008 9:37 pm

I am the person who created the website http://www.allianceofhope.org and this forum which links to it. My stepson Channing, took his life at the age of 21 in 1995. I created the website and this discussion forum because I wanted to support others who have lost loved ones to suicide. I hope that in some small way, this will be of help on your journey.

Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC"

Reading that first post now, I notice that I still say much the same thing … 4,500 people later.  When greeting new members I still write that I hope our forum will be of some small comfort for the immense pain that they are feeling. 

I've learned so much over the last five years.  I’ve witnessed more grief than I ever expected to witness.  I’ve been present to lives shattered … and to lives rebuilt.  I’ve been inspired time and again by the love that permeates the posts on our forum – love for those who have passed … love for those who are still here. 

I've come to think of our forum as a “sacred place of connection.”  It is not a religious place … but it is sacred … a place where judgments and things that divide us fall away.  Carla Fine once wrote that “survivors are united by an invisible bond.”  There is a deep bond among those who frequent the forum.  It is a unique place of healing, fueled by group consciousness and group commitment. 

I’m in a unique and privileged position.  Each and every day, for almost four years, I’ve received expressions of gratitude from survivors, who speak of the Alliance of Hope … and especially its forum, as their “lifeline.”  Because I founded the Alliance, they direct their communications to me, but in truth, those expressions of gratitude belong to the community.  They belong to you, the survivors who reached out for help … frightened but courageous … not knowing what to expect.  They belong to you, the survivors who extended thoughts and prayers and words of support to the newly bereaved ... wrapping them in your love.  And they belong to you, survivors who have chosen to live and to carry the fire. 

This month … and especially this Valentine’s Day, I want to take the opportunity of this blog to say “I love you.”  Thank you for who you are.  Thank you for what you bring to the world.  Thank you for being my friends.

Ronnie Walker MS, LPCP is the Founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors.  She is a survivor of suicide.  

The Year Before Last

by Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC

We are beginning a new year.  My hope is that you will find many moments of peace and healing in the coming days. I hope that you will be able to look back over the previous year and see, moments of accomplishment … along with any pain that might have been experienced.

New Year’s Day brings to mind the lament of a mother in a poem by an anonymous author ….  In the poem a mother wonders if anyone will understand that although her child died the year before last, grief is still raw.  Time stands still.

From the poem: 

“They didn't understand, they didn't reason
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago,
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died...

the year before last?”

(Author Unknown)

As we mark this New Year’s Day on the calendar, I want to assure everyone that we in the Alliance of Hope hold no timetable for grief and that you can count on us to be there this year and next, with an understanding that love never dies.

Ronnie Walker MS, LPCP is the Founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors.  She is a survivor of suicide. 

Light Will Return to My Life

"It is in touching the darkness that we come to know more about Life and the Light."

by Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC 

“Facing the darkness, admitting the pain, allowing the pain to be pain, is never easy. This is why courage – big-heartedness – is the most essential virtue on the spiritual journey.  But if we fail to let pain be pain ... then pain will haunt us in nightmarish ways. We will become pain’s victims instead of the healers we might become.” -- Matthew Fox, Original Blessing

In many survivor groups across the world, December ushers in a special ceremony of remembrance and hope.  Survivors gather together during this darkest time of the year, light candles, and recite a communal prayer or affirmation.  Each phrase is punctuated with the sentence: “Light will return to my life.”

During the years I facilitated support groups here in Chicago, we too gathered in a circle and repeated this ceremony.  In addition, members brought photos of loved ones and passed them around.  It felt very special to see the images of loved ones.  Invariably the photos featured faces filled with intelligence, compassion, humor and warmth.  Many were strikingly handsome, surrounded by family … with never a hint of how things would end.  Sharing photos always brought group members closer together.

Sometimes when new members arrived at those December groups, they would tell the rest of us that they had little hope that any light would ever return to their lives ... and we understood how they felt.  In the immediate weeks and months following loss, it is often difficult to believe in anything … much less that “light will return to one’s life." New bereaved survivors struggle … many in the battles of their lives … against debilitating emotions and daunting challenges. Some new survivors report a sort of surreal quality to their first holiday season after loss.  They say they feel profoundly disconnected from the rest of the world, which is immersed in decorating, partying, and buying presents.   

I believe it is particularly important at this time of the year, for our survivor community to reassure the newest members that pain does diminish and transform and that those who have died do not stop being a part of our families.  Those who have died are still loved just as strongly as ever.  We consciously and unconsciously find new ways to relate to them and carry their spirits with us as we complete the journeys of our own lives. 

Carl Jung once wrote: “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness’s of other people.”  It would be hard to find a survivor of suicide who has not been immersed in darkness at some point in the aftermath.  It is in touching the darkness that we come to know more about Life and the Light. 

As this year comes to a close, I want to wish all of our members a peaceful holiday season.  I pray that light will return to your lives in the coming months and years and that each of you will become a source of light and inspiration for others. 

Ronnie Walker MS, LPCP is the Founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors.  She is a survivor of suicide.  

We Never Mentioned His Name

 

Ronnie Walker is the Founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope

by Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC

November has arrived … and with it, the holiday season.  On November 22, we will celebrate Thanksgiving here in the United States.  Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays often provide additional challenges for survivors of suicide, especially when loss is new.  Celebrations bring to the foreground that a beloved member of the family is missing. Many survivors tell us they fear or dread the holidays.  Others say they wish they could hibernate until the whole season is over. 

This morning, I recalled memories of the first Thanksgiving after my stepson’s death.   Still raw with grief, my husband and I flew south to join in a gathering at his brother’s house.  Family members reunited there, Wednesday through Sunday, with the highlight being of course ... the Thanksgiving meal.  Three months earlier, these same people had gathered together in grief … at our home in Illinois and at a memorial service where attendees overflowed the church.

I recall bits and pieces of that Thanksgiving week … back in 1995.  I know who was there.  I recall helping to straighten the house and set the table for Thursday’s meal.  I recall the children … nieces and nephews … all younger than ten.  I recall making a treasure hunt for the children and bringing their Christmas gifts along on the plane.  And I recall the house where we stayed. 

But most of all, I remember that over those five days, no one mentioned my stepson’s name.  No one talked about the fact that he had died.  It was the elephant in the room.  In every room, every day that week.

Imperceptible Change

Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC is the Founder & Executive Director of the Aliance of Hope.

by Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC

As summer draws to a close here in Illinois, I note with sadness that the flowers in my garden are beginning to wither and die.  Cooler days are coming, leaves are going to turn and then drop and before too long, winter will be here again.  Each day, I note that something in my garden is a little bit different in color or texture.  I notice subtle, almost imperceptible changes. 

These changes are very different than the abrupt and traumatic loss that faces survivors of suicide.  Survivors are faced with shocking news that immediately alters their world and shatters the foundation of life as they knew it.  In the beginning, it is very difficult for survivors to get their hands around such abrupt, life-altering change.  Things seem surreal.  We cannot believe our loved one has gone.  Survivors struggle, trying to believe, make sense and come to terms.  This is a natural reaction to abrupt and traumatic change.

Most survivors store vivid memories of the moment in which they learned their loved one died.  Even years later, they can tell you where they were standing, what they were doing, and who was with them at the exact moment the news arrived and their life changed forever.  Our brains are wired to store that information. 

Most of us are not wired however, to note the very subtle changes that occur in and around us all the time.   And for the most part, life is a series of continuous small changes.  The paint on our walls for example, grows imperceptibly darker and more worn each day, until at some point, after several years, we note it is time to repaint.  Our freshly cleaned house grows messier and dirtier little by little until suddenly, we note it is time to clean again. 

Little by little, things die down.  On the flip side, most things come into existence again, almost imperceptibly.  The seed slowly grows into a flower in incremental steps that are often not noticed until the bloom springs open. 

The Healing Power of Hope

Ronnie Walker

by Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC

Sometimes, when I meet someone new and they find out about the work I do with survivors of suicide, they will ask:  “How can you do that work day after day?  It has to be extremely taxing.  It is so very sad.”  I always answer “No” … that I feel honored as well as inspired by the work I do. 

I can do what I do because I witness more than just the debilitating pain of survivors.  I see their courage and compassion and commitment to make a difference.  And I see the healing that occurs over time.  When I talk with a new survivor, this is one of the most important things I want them to know. 

When grief is new … when one’s world has been shattered by the loss of a loved one to suicide, it’s hard to envision anything beyond debilitating grief.  Sometimes, in the beginning, it is hard to find a reason to go on.  Emotions are extremely debilitating.  New survivors are anxious and have difficulty concentrating.  They may be weighed down by guilt or possessed by anger.  Many cannot sleep, eat, and have difficulty performing routine functions.  Sometimes there are additional financial and physical challenges resulting from the death.  Some must grieve while caring for children who have also been traumatized.  And almost all survivors experience secondary wounds.

In the beginning, it is hard for new survivors to see beyond the debilitating grief, but those who have traveled further down the survivors’ path, will be quick to say that the pain does diminish and emotions transform.  I always let the newly bereaved know what I witness:  As survivors endure and survive and meet the challenges, they grown wiser and stronger and become able to contribute in ways they never envisioned they could. 

Over and over again, I find that this hope, the promise that something meaningful will result out of all the pain, touches people.  There is something that awakens in them in these conversations. An inner flame is rekindled.  Their pain does not vanish … the need to endure is still there, but there is hope … and that can make all the difference in the world.    

Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC is the founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

Alliance of Hope Founder Ronnie Walker’s Birthday Wish: “Help a Fellow Survivor”

On July 6th, 2012, I’ll be 65, but I’m not getting older…I’m getting bolder! For my birthday, I’m asking friends and fellow survivors of suicide to donate $65—or whatever you can afford—to ensure the future of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors. Your tax-deductible donation will underwrite the administrative and clinical staffing costs of our forum and website, as well as consultations for new survivors.

I founded the Alliance of Hope five years ago, to help those grieving the traumatic loss of a loved one to suicide. Our services help people survive the tumultuous aftermath of loss, and eventually go beyond just surviving—to again lead meaningful and productive lives. These past five years have been the most moving and rewarding time of my life. Little did I know that we would become one of the leading resources in the world. More than 20,000 people visit our website every month. Five new survivors join our forum each day. And hundreds have said the Alliance of Hope is their lifeline. I believe we have only just begun. Our aim is to ensure that no survivor anywhere on the planet goes without support.

Our forum & website is the result of a "grassroots effort." I need your help to sustain, strengthen and expand the work we are doing. If the Alliance has made a difference for you, please consider making a donation. Whatever you can afford. Together we can make a difference. We can create a world of support that helps people rise from devastating loss.

The Alliance of Hope is a 501(c)3 nonprofit charity.  There are two ways to contribute: 

• Donate Now 
• Mail a Check: Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors, PO Box 7005, Evanston, Illinois - 60201

Thank you for your partnership and support,

Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC

 

 

Agents ... of Kindness and Compassion

by Ronnie Walker MS, LCPC

Last month on the Alliance of Hope Community Forum, a post caught my eye. Newly bereaved - raw with grief, one member wrote: “My boss and a friend told me one never loses the pain, they simply learn to live with it. “

I doubt there is a survivor of suicide who hasn’t at some point, heard similar comments from caring friends. “You never get over it but you will get around it.” “The pain never really goes away. You just learn to live with it.” These are common assertions in the culture of survivors… at support groups, in the literature … on the Internet.

Over the years, I’ve inwardly winced, when kind-hearted support group volunteers greeted newly bereaved survivors with the assurance: “You never get over it, but you will learn to live with it.” Sometimes I’ve thought, if f I was a mother, just arriving after finding the body of my child, and the first words I heard were "You never get over it" ... I might end it all right then.

From the get-go, I have preferred the statement “survivors are forever altered.” Iris Bolton said it years ago and at the Alliance of Hope, we have built upon her original statement. Our work and our community are built on the premise that although we are forever altered and may never stop missing our loved ones, we can eventually go beyond ‘just surviving’ to have happy, meaningful and contributory lives. Our commitment is to provide hope, especially for those in the initial days of dark despair. We want people to know that healing does occur and that it is even possible to make a meaningful contribution to others, as a result of heartbreaking, devastating loss.

Many long-term survivors find their pain does transform. George A. Bonanno, Ph.D. Chair, Department of Counseling and Clinical Psychology, Columbia University, writes about this:

"… not every survivor of suicide has the same reactions and not every survivor suffers to the same extent or for the same length of time. Research on disasters and other types of potentially traumatic life events shows us clearly that only some survivors will experience long-term or unremitting difficulties. Usually this proportion is limited at most to one in three survivors, and most of the time the proportion is considerably lower. By contrast, many and often the majority of survivors of traumatic events cope remarkably well. The same appears to be true for survivors of suicide. The good news, if we can call it that, is that most suicide survivors will eventually be ok; that is they will find a way to accept the reality of their loss, however painful, and find a way to once again live a healthy fulfilling life, with all the joys and sorrows it entails."

I want to be clear that I do not in any way mean to discount the enormity of the loss, pain and challenges experienced in the aftermath of suicide. People bereaved from suicide have been found to experience greater levels of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and complicated grief, compared to bereaved people who have suffered other types of losses. In the first months and years, it often takes all one has just to survive.

I do believe however, that with sufficient time and support, most people are able to survive and go beyond just surviving. I am sometimes asked how I can do the work that I do. I can do it because I see not only the very painful beginning of the grief journey made by survivors, but the transformation of pain as well. I am blessed to bear witness as survivors heal and grow stronger. I see light returning to lives … and I see survivors bringing that light with a compassion born of their own painful experience, to others.  --  Have they "gotten over it?”  --  I don’t know.  --  Are they forever altered?  --  For sure!

I sometimes think of those who remain, alive on the planet following the suicide of a loved one... bound by the invisible thread of shared experience ... an 'undercover army of kindness and compassion.'

Ronnie Walker, MS, LCPC is the founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors