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Beyond Surviving: One Woman’s Story of the Loss of Her Husband and Partner to Suicide

  by Lucinda Bassett

I was with my other half, I don’t say that lightly, for 25 years.  My mother used to say, “When you’re not with him, you’re on the phone with him.”  So true.  He was my husband David, my lover, friend, business partner, and children’s amazing and passionate father.  He was also bi polar.  Did I know it when I married him?  No.  Was it evident throughout the 25 years?  Not really in the way you would expect it to be.

In fact it was the opposite.  He had great energy, was smart, creative, and giving.  He was loving, affectionate, fun spirited and always “there” for our children and me. 

Unfortunately in 2007, after a set of terrible circumstances that were, for the most part self generated by bad decisions he had made, combined with the deteriorating economy, he slowly over several months, became a man I no longer knew.  He withdrew, became severely depressed and agitated, and then even paranoid and even psychotic.  Thus began “our” agonizing journey into mental illness and eventual suicide.

It has been almost five years since his death.  I couldn’t even talk about it until two years ago.  And when I finally did, I was astounded to find out how many people have experienced losing someone they love to suicide.  As time passed, as I attempted to save my own sanity, and struggled to rebuild my family and my life,  our home, and my career, I began to realize that people who have lost a loved one to suicide need support and guidance, even just simple understanding. 

The guilt, blame, anger and shame of suicide are overwhelming.  It is bad enough that you lose someone you needed, loved and counted on to be part of your daily life experience.  But to have them deliberately “choose to leave you”?  Horrific. 

I am writing this article for the survivors.  The ones who can’t escape the pain left in their hearts. 

At first I was anxious, scared to be alone, worried about my children, their stability, our financial security, my career falling apart, what would people think?  How would I live without him?  What did I do?  What didn’t I do?  All of this is normal.

Healing Modalities -- A Circle of Support

Who is in your circle of support?

by Jan McDaniel 

If you have ever loved someone who died by suicide, you know the shock, confusion, utter pain and devastation that follow. One of the best pieces of advice I received after my husband ended his life was to create a "circle of support" around myself. I began this process soon after his death.

My circle is composed of individuals, groups and professionals who play specific roles in my recovery. Family members and friends were the first people I turned to for help. My daughters flew to my side and remained staunch supporters. I talked to my sister for hours each day, saying the same things over and over because I needed to hear them, process them, heal from them. Others emailed or talked to me on the phone.

The members of my church helped me in countless small and large ways, by holding my hand as I waited for officers to finish their investigation and remove my husband’s body from our home, by handing me a fishing pole during a sermon about those whose faith had been challenged by tragedy, by sitting quietly on the pew beside me while I cried and understanding. One of the most touching was a card from a neighbor I had never met. Enclosed was two hundred dollars.

Survivor Tips: Asking for Help

"Call me if you need anything."

"Let me know if I can help."

We've all been on the receiving end of these well-intended words, and we all know what happens next: Nothing.

That's because it's very rare for a suicide survivor--someone who is numb with shock, grief, and pain--to actually reach out to acquaintances for help. In fact, you might be so immobilized that you have trouble even reaching out to your most trusted friends.

Still, it's a good idea to broaden your support base as much as possible during this difficult time. One way to do this is to set aside any self-consciousness you may be feeling and ask for help from those who have offered it.

Start by making a quick list of the things you need the most. The list can include emotional support (a shoulder to cry on, someone who can listen to my story over and over without judgment) and practical support (someone to fix the roof, someone to babysit the kids while I go to a survivor support group.)

Tips from Survivors: Keep an Accomplishments Journal

By Debra Stang

In the aftermath of a loved one's suicide, we may be overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy. These thoughts and feelings can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your mind filters out any evidence that shows what a wonderful person you are and focuses solely on your real or imagined short-comings.

Keeping an accomplishments journal is one way to take the fangs out of those harsh self-criticisms. It's easy and doesn't take much time. You can write your accomplishments in a notebook or on a pad of paper, or you can treat yourself to a special journal or diary.

Each night before bed, write down five things you have accomplished during the day. It's okay if these are "small" things; in the days following my friend Julia's death just getting out of bed in the morning figured prominently on my list. Of course, your accomplishments can be big things, too, like "painted the bathroom," "completed the paperwork to put my house up for sale," or "held a memorial ceremony and scattered my loved one's ashes.

Beyond Surviving: Kelly Strand - 10 Years Later

(Written in February, 2008 by Kelly Strand)

It will be ten years come August that I lost my mother to suicide. Memories of that warm summer day are always vivid in my mind.

"Honey," she said. And I knew. "It's your mother," she said. And I knew. "She's killed herself," she said. And I knew. I knew it was my fault. It was my fault. Over and over again. I knew it.

Guilt engulfed me. I experienced all the stages of grief, many times, but guilt ravenously held me in its grip.

Life as I knew it was over. "Normal" was gone. All that would have been was forever altered. I was thrust into an emotional tsunami.

I was not sure I could survive, but something deep within me kept pushing me on. My sister was my constant companion on the journey. Her love, as well as the understanding, patience, and support of family and friends kept me going.

I read books on suicide, grief, and mental illness. I journaled. I allowed others to care for me when I couldn't care for myself. I went to support group meetings, therapy appointments, and I stayed on my meds. Even though I'd fall, I kept going through the motions, trusting familiar routines to direct me through my days.

Survivor Tips: Empathy, Compassion, Support, Oh My!

By Sandy Walden

Empathy - the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.

Compassion - sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Thank goodness for those who surround us with compassion! It's so helpful to know that there are those who care about us who are not empathetic; they don't personally know our pain, but care about us deeply. That's compassion.

Support - to hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping.

Ah, perhaps the key is to interact with others who are able to provide empathy and/or compassion combined with support.

Tips from Survivors: Forgive and Forget?

By Sandy Walden

A little phrase that causes a lot of trouble is "forgive and forget." I'm not a fan at all. My dog teaches me a very simple lesson about that, because animals offer unconditional love. They get hurt but they learn the lesson, forgive, and move on. If I'm out walking with Indiana and he keeps walking in front of me, there's a very good chance his foot will get stepped on. He learns the lesson, forgives, and walks alongside of me. But he doesn't forget! He remembers that if he walks in front of me his toes will get smashed!

We can take a lesson from this. If forgetting serves us well, then we will forget in time, easily and effortlessly. However, if the words or deeds brought a lesson that we can use, by all means, keep them in your memory. For instance, if words spoken to me were hurtful for the simple reason that a person has their own "stuff" to deal with, then I will likely remember and not put myself in a position to be hurt by them again. However, if the words were true and helpful, I may well remember them, learn from them, and recall them when they are again helpful. Forgive, yes; forget, only if it serves your best and highest good.

So, let's talk about forgiveness. First and foremost, offering forgiveness is not--absolutely not--condoning the behavior which offended or hurt you. That's really important, so I will repeat it. Forgiving does not mean saying that what occurred was all right! What forgiveness means is that you no longer feed energy into the pain, hurt, and resistance, and that you allow healing to begin.

Sandy Walden is a holistic life coach, business coach, Reiki master and teacher. She lost her son, Mike, to suicide in December 2010. This is an abridged version of a longer piece Sandy wrote on forgiveness. You can read the entire post here.

Survivor Experience: A Letter to All Suicide Survivors

By Adina Wrobleski

To All Suicide Survivors:

My daughter, Lynn, killed herself in 1979. I have been where you are now; I know how badly it hurts. I know that you feel the most terrible aloneness of your life. It is normal for you to feel desperately unhappy, angry, guilty, frightened, and out of control. You wouldn't feel so awful if you hadn't loved so much.

Most people who kill themselves have major depression--usually unrecognized and undiagnosed. People who have depression have a real physical illness. Chemicals in their brain that regulate how they think, feel, and behave get out of balance. No amount of love or caring or of trying to build up their self-esteem could have altered their misconception that their situation was hopeless.

Please don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. People will say that a suicide death is the "worst" thing that can happen and that you will "never" get over it. Don't believe them; these are the voices of the taboo and stigma on suicide. This is part of the extra burden you will have as a suicide survivor. Other survivors don't hear gasps of shock when they tell how their loved one died. Other survivors don't hear gross jokes and ridicule about the manner of death. These are extra for us.

Tips from Survivors: Seasonal Affective Disorder - Beat the Blahs!

By Cynthia Slider

The Cleveland Clinic estimates that at least 10 to 20 percent of the population suffers from some sort of seasonal depression brought on by the shorter days in winter. An additional four to six percent of North Americans suffer from a more extreme version of the "winter blues" called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The disorder seems to be related to insufficient light and the resulting hormonal disruptions caused by the pineal gland. When the pineal gland is in darkness, it secretes a hormone called melatonin, which has sedative properties.

There are numerous symptoms of the winter blues, but the main ones that usually appear in the colder season include

• Change in appetite, especially a craving for sweet or starchy foods
• Weight gain
• Change in sleep patterns, especially a tendency to oversleep
• Avoidance of social situations
• Decreased ability to concentrate
• Irritability
• Decreased energy

Whether you have full-blown SAD or feel a milder case of the seasonal blues, here are some tips to help bring some "light" back into your days.

Tips for a Better Life in 2012

Provided by Bonnie Swade

Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes a day

• When you wake up in the morning, complete the following statement: "My purpose is to ____________ today."
• Live with the three E's--Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy
• Play more games and read more books than last year
• Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
• Dream more while you are awake.
• Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
• Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
• Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
• Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
• Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
• Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
• No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
• What other people think of you is none of your business.
• However good or bad a situation, it will change.
• Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
• Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
• Call your family often, or email them.
• Each night before you go to bed, complete the following statements. "I am thankful for __________." "Today I accomplished __________."

Bonnie Swade, who lost her son to suicide, is the founder of Suicide Awareness Survivor Support Missouri and Kansas (SASS-MOKAN). She also writes a blog for suicide survivors.