I guess the question would be "why not me?"
If you look at every horrible, unfair, difficult to process thing that happens around the world, it is truly some sort of miracle that a small part of the population makes it out of life unmarked and unhurt.
Sometimes life just takes a terrible turn for a person, or for a family. A disease, an accident, poverty, loneliness, violence, and sometimes it hits the same person twice, five, ten times.
I won't get on the subject of fathers, but sometimes I stop to think about the millions of people who would think I am a fortunate person and would want my bad luck. Not a lot of middle class Westerners would want to survive a murder-suicide at age five, but I do know that others would want my running clean water, my bed, the food I am in the process of digesting, the fact that no bombs are falling from the sky tonight...so why them and not me?
I'm not saying this to be preachy. I actually mean it. With everything bad and evil that is out there, I think the true miracle is that some people are just happy. Most of us have a lot of scars and unresolved questions that we shout into the void and we never get a thing in return.
I pray a lot. And in prayer, I complain to God. I say it very clearly that my heart is full of anger and hate, that there is not a lot of trust or gratitude sometimes. I demand answers.
This post first appeared on the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors forum. Reprinted with the permission of the author. Visit our moderated community of support to those who have experienced the tragic loss of a loved one to suicide.