The Struggle Against The Exit
You told us many times. We didn’t believe you. You were a strong man and always found your way through things so why not now? In hindsight, I see your daily ‘struggle against the exit’ was very real. Life’s shortcomings came too fast and were relentless. At times your cries for help and daily mantras of despair were so overwhelming I had to resort to texts. You were living my worst nightmare and your pain and hopelessness was agonizing because there was nothing I could do to make it better.
I’m sorry for not holding you close and letting you cry on my shoulder. Our mom was dying my daughter was getting married and I was overwhelmed and scared. I’m still scared and and now heartbroken.
We spoke just before you opened the door and went through the exit. I had no clue. You seemed ok – we had worse conversations in the past. Yet, when all was said and done, and the horror subsided, I inwardlyadmired your courage. As absurd and unspiritual as this may sound, it was the only thing you did for yourself in a long, long time.
You were a wonderful father, provider, son and my baby brother, by 15 months. Throw one back for me with the family on St. Paddy’s Day will you? By God’s promises of eternal life I will see you again. I am glad, until that time, you are living pain free.
Love, Your Sister Joan xo
HIs favorite song by U2: Beautiful Day
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