Dear Brian, I'll never forget the last time I saw you. It was July 5th, 2010. You brought me back to the airport after my visit home for Mom's birthday. The entire ride was so heartbreaking. I could feel your profound sadness. I tried to get you to talk about it but you kept changing the subject, so I let it be. I just wanted to spend time with you. I didn't want the ride to end; the closer we got to the airport the more anxious I grew. I didn't want to say goodbye to you-- something was happening that made my heart ache for you but I couldn't put my finger on it exactly.
You got out to help me with my bags, I gave you a hug and said, "Come visit me soon, OK?? See ya later, dude." Once inside the airport doors I allowed myself to turn around in time to see you driving away. I started sobbing because in my heart I knew I'd never see you again... and I didn't.
You had the most amazing, contagious laugh and a very gentle spirit and are going to be missed by so many people-- more than you could have ever imagined. It may not make sense but it feels like you have taken my past with you... and it also feels as though you have also taken my future as I never imagined it without you.
Please know that I am not angry at you now... nor do I think I ever will be. I have been to that place myself before and fought my way back out. I know it wasn't a compulsive choice you made but rather the culmination of years and years of battling a crippling depression and you held on as long as you could -- for us.
I miss you and think of you every waking moment. Instead of saying goodbye to you, since I know I'll see you again, I'll just say what we always said to each other -- "See ya later, dude."
Your loving sister, Laura
Dear Laura,
I was moved greatly by your letter to your Brother. Thank you for sharing your intimate experience. You are not alone. The feelings you share in you letter touched me. Beautiful Souls- Suffer No More.
Posted by: Randy | 07/06/2012 at 07:35 PM
Dear Laura: Your letter is beautiful almost beyond words; beyond describing. The love you have is great and deep.I suffer from depression too and took an overdose but survived and am grateful most of the time.I am now 59 and always feel sorrow when someone young is lost through suicide. When life became a hardship for me my family pulled away from me but I found love with others and I am thankful.BLess you always, Don.
Posted by: don | 11/07/2012 at 07:41 PM
Dear Laura,
You said something profound and I must comment on it. "it feels like you have taken my past with you..." That's it. That's how I feel. I lost my brother in 2012.
Warmly, Joan
Posted by: Joan Kaneshiro | 02/10/2013 at 02:07 PM
Don, I am glad you are still here with us. Thanks for sharing!! -Laura
Posted by: laura habedank | 03/12/2013 at 02:18 PM
Joan, I am so sorry for your loss as well. I'm glad you connected with the letter in some way. I have a blog I started where I keep all the letters I continue to write to him if you are interested: http://letterstobrianblog.wordpress.com/
Keep in touch!
Laura
Posted by: laura habedank | 03/12/2013 at 02:19 PM