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07/12/2017

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Cecilia Bradley

9 weeks since you earned your angel wings Ry...and all of us that were privileged to know YOU and have YOU in our lives are still deeply saddened by the loss of YOU, my sweet baby boy!
I knew you were in the midst of terrible mental and emotional anguish and I tried so hard to help you, to reach your inner thoughts and feelings but it was not to be, for it must have been too painful for you to relinquish them. I know you believed that you burdened us, but Please know that you never did sweetheart! I prayed over and over that God grace you with his loving mercy and take away your mental suffering, or that you just offer it up and give it all to God, so that you could be free of such horrible suffering. I knew you hurt a lot and yet you internalized much of your pain with such grace. Often I prayed and wished I could have carried it all for you Ry, I would have in a heartbeat my papas!! Our lives are so empty and sad without you with us; the terrible loss of YOU has affected your sisters Natalie and Bella, plus Dad, and me forever. We can't seem to adjust to carrying on with life without YOU, and I really don't want to! My heart breaks again with each new sunrise knowing I have to go through the day without coming home to YOU, and I cry myself to sleep after another sunset without YOU here at home where YOU belong...I miss our afternoon walks so much Ry! I talk to you daily, throughout the day voicing how much I miss YOU in our family activities...
Please feel free to show me/us signs that YOU miss us too and are watching over us, Please Ry!
I LOVE YOU RY MORE THAN I COULD EVER PROPERLY EXPRESS;
I BELIEVE THAT NOW YOU CAN SEE INTO MY HEART & SOUL AND YOU NOW KNOW EXACTLY HOW DEEP AND PROFOUND MY LOVE FOR YOU IS, MY SWEET BABY BOY!!!
Until our eyes meet again, REST IN PEACE with the angels and saints, and our loving Lord!
I LOVE YOU SON, Mom

Cecilia Bradley

"Are you happy?"
"Are you more alive?"....
Maybe you are not dancing up in the sky, but surely, you are listening to your favorite tunes! Keep on rocking out to that music while you wait for us to join you...we will be together again, until then RIP son!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE

Cecilia Bradley

This beautiful song we sing to you Ry...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1JcPmsoNkE

"Dancing in the Sky" by Dani & Lizzy (2013), who wrote this song at the loss of their brother Ray.

WE MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS TO THE CORE SON!!

Love Always, Mom, Dad, Natalie, & Bella

Alexandra Mistelske

He had a lovely smile .... I'm so sorry for your pain and this tragic loss.
My heart goes out to you and I share this pain for the loss of my friend this year to suicide. He also struggled with schizoaffective disorder, depression and self rejection.
It is the hardest thing imaginable to experience this. The struggle they endured and now the struggle that is left. It's not fair.
My condolences ~
Ali
(My friend is Noble, posted yesterday here also)

TLH

Heaven got another angel: is a song I listen to. I lost my son to suicide June 8th. He was diagnosed with Schizophrenia right after high school-2013. Not a day goes by I don't think of him. I know it was the illness that took him. I am sadden by the loss of your son. But know that it was not him it was everything else he struggled with. I don't try to make sense of my sons passing, I don't ask myself why, because I know why... It was his illness. We cant blame ourselves.

Cecilia Bradley

To Noble's Friend Ali - Thank you for your condolences and kind words. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend Noble. Schizophrenia is enough of a difficult disorder but mixed with depression and high anxiety, as was my son's case, makes it extremely hard to be afflicted with...I saw the pain in my son's face all the time. He did have "good days", ones with much less anxiety, sadness in his eyes, and quieter/nicer voices in his head (as he stated), but I know he was never truly relieved of all his symptoms by the medications. Losing my son is by far THE MOST HORRIFIC, HARDEST, AND SADDEST experience of my life and I know I will never be over it; this is a life-long grieving journey that won't end until I am happily reunited with him! Please attend support groups for suicide loss, over time they will help. God Bless!

Cecilia Bradley

To "We can't blame ourselves" Mom:
First, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I know you are currently in a fog of excruciating pain, confusion, loss. We are only 5 months out since losing our son Ryan on May 8th; our hearts are shattered and we are forever changed. I send you my most loving hug and prayers to somehow keep going one day at a time. You are right that the horrible Schizoaffective disorder took our boys, I know my son wanted to live but not with the constant voices, anxiety, and worst of all with the tight grip of depression always deep inside. He hated having this disabling disease, every now and again, he would ask me if there would come a day he could get off all his meds (he was only on 2, sometimes 3) but my answer was always "no hun, they are helping you be in touch with reality, and keeping out of the hospital". He would get a disappointed look on his face and another layer of sadness would glean over his honey-colored eyes. We saw the depression come over him about a week before taking his life here at home, but it wasn't the first time, so I would pep talk him into seeing some brighter aspects of his life and attempt to feel and see some hope for the near future but obviously it didn't have the intended effect as it had had in previous times. I AM SO SO SAD I CAN'T EVEN QUITE DESCRIBE IT accurately with words. I am so very sorry that you know what I probably am feeling, this gut-wrenching loss that immediately became a constant tight knot in my stomach and shattering of my heart, literally. I experienced my very first panic attacks a week before his first birthday in Heaven, Sept 22nd. I thought I was having a heart attack, but my medical doctor and now trauma therapist confirmed they were panic attacks. Despite realizing the deep struggles my son had with Schizoaffective disorder and how it lies to them convincing them that they are worthless and underserving to live, I do cast some blame onto myself, and my husband, because I feel we failed our Ryan to some degree. Resolving this dilemma will be a life-long grieving journey with the assistance of my trauma therapist, with God's love and mercy, and with my own grit I pray will one day return.
Please know I pray for you and all grieving Mothers, Fathers, siblings, and families devastated by these tragic and unnecessary loss of our precious babes. I just listened to the Heaven Got Another Angel song, it's beautiful, of course I'm sobbing right now.
God help us all! ....God Bless!

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I may have lost my brother, my sister, my parent, my child, my friend, my spouse, my partner ... but I am alive.   I am a survivor of the dark night of unspeakable loss, of my own darkness and ... I am alive.

I am unwilling to stand idly by and allow shame to defeat love or silence to defeat action.  I stand for the enlightenment of a society that would hide from suicide ... and I am alive.

I am unwilling for my perseverance to be in vain.Unwilling for the passing of my loved one to be in shame. I loved them more than I loved myself and their life will have meaning in my action.  I am alive.

In a world blinded by the pursuit of pleasure, I am here to say that people are in pain. In a world rushing to get ahead, I am here to say that people are being left behind.In a world obsessed with the value of the market, I am here to speak for the value of life ... and I'm alive

This will be no quiet fight. I am the voice of audacity in the face of apathy. I am the spirit of bravery in a world of caution. I am a commitment of action in the face of neutrality.

I am into the light and I am alive."

Dan Pallotta at the Out of the Darkness Suicide Awareness Walk in DC, 2002

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"I'll cry with you,"
she whispered
"until we run out of tears.
Even if it's forever.
We'll do it together."

There it was . . . a simple
promise of connection.

The loving alliance of
grief and hope that
blesses both our breaking
apart and our coming
together again.

Molly Fumia, Safe Passage