James,
For brief moments I forget you're gone. I expect to go home for Christmas and see your giant self walk into the room. I want to call you, just to talk. I want to skype with you and your kids. But you're gone, and I can't. Big brother, you broke my heart.
My heart is broken that you were hurting so bad, and you carried it alone.
My heart is broken that you couldn't find a way to reach out, that your stubborn family pride kept you from showing your weaknesses.
My heart is broken for the should have been's. The family trips and photos that you will be missing from, the people who are important in our lives that you won't meet. My future children who will only have pictures and stories.
My heart is broken because our family is broken, Mom and Dad are crushed, and while they move forward, they won't be okay. And the rest of us, we won't ever be okay till we're with you again. We won't get over this. It won't get better... easier to deal with, maybe, but never better.
I miss you so much big brother,
Emily
